Whose Truth Is It Anyway?
When the Past Comes Knocking
Ever had one of those skeletons from the past come knocking at your door? Should you answer?
Every family has secrets, some might call them “skeletons in the cupboard”, but it amounts to the same thing. Something was kept hidden, often for what seemed at the time to be a very valid reason.
Discovering a family secret is not unusual in genealogy. The real dilemma is what you do next.
Every family history is different, and no two stories will ever be the same. We are often encouraged to put pen to paper and tell our family stories, but should we reveal everything?
Are we airbrushing the truth by leaving details out, or are some secrets best left untouched?
Why Secrets Exist
So first, we need to consider why a secret existed in the first place.
The most common reason is fear, fear of being found out, and fear of the consequences that might follow.
Our ancestors lived in fear of judgement. They often chose the discomfort of secrecy over the pain of social shame or rejection.
Fear of humiliation is one of the most powerful human emotions, and it sits at the heart of why so many secrets are kept.
These secrets become baggage from the past, sometimes carried across generations. Left in the shadows, they can linger in the background of family stories, shaping lives in ways no one fully understands.
But we also have to be careful. Revealing a truth at the wrong time, or without full understanding, can sometimes be more damaging than the secret itself.
Our sense of right and wrong is shaped by the society around us, and it is natural to want acceptance. That is why people hide the things they believe others will not understand.
The old idea of “keeping up appearances” was often central to these decisions.
The Weight of Silence
Every secret carries some degree of shame or embarrassment, whether justified or not.
Society has always had its own rules about what is acceptable, and the fear of falling outside those boundaries could lead to individuals and entire families being ostracised.
As family historians, we are then left with a difficult question:
Do we have the right to reveal it at all?
And even if we can, should we?
Looking Back with Modern Eyes
It is easy to look back and ask how families managed to live with these secrets. The truth is simple: they had no choice.
With hindsight, we can view events differently, but we must be careful not to impose modern judgement on past lives.
Very little we experience today has not been experienced before in some form. What changes over time is not human nature, but context.
Before You Reveal Anything
Before revealing anything, there are important questions to consider:
Who might be affected by this information?
Are there living descendants who could be impacted?
Do we fully understand why the secret was kept in the first place?
Sometimes, we do not yet know all the facts, even when we think we do.
The Responsibility of Telling the Story
We must also consider what is to be gained by revealing the truth.
Is it being shared for understanding, or for curiosity?
Are we telling the story for others, or simply to satisfy our own desire to complete the narrative?
Neither curiosity nor moral interest alone is always a strong enough reason to make something public, especially if it is not our secret to tell.
Even when the original individuals have passed away, their descendants may still carry the weight of what is revealed.
Sensitivity must always come first.
This is not a new question for me. I’ve reflected before on the ethical dilemmas that come with genealogy, and what happens when family secrets begin to surface.
Because in truth, uncovering the past is never just about finding information, it is about deciding what we do with it.
I explored that idea in more depth here:
Ethical Dilemmas in Genealogy: What to Do When Family Secrets Emerge
Two Sides to Every Story
And we must also recognise that there are always two sides to every story.
If a story is told, it is very difficult to do so without bias. Yet impartiality is essential, particularly when dealing with sensitive or controversial subjects.
Revealing a truth can trigger a wide range of emotions, guilt, anger, shame, and even betrayal. While some may feel relief, others may be deeply affected.
As the saying goes:
“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive.”
The Cost of Telling Difficult Stories
We must also be honest about the personal cost of telling difficult stories.
Writing them is not neutral. You leave something of yourself in every story you tell.
Are you prepared for that?
Are you prepared for reactions you cannot predict and consequences you cannot control?
Sometimes, sharing the truth can strain or even break family relationships. That is a heavy responsibility to carry.
When the Truth Will Never Be Known
Of course, some secrets remain hidden forever. Some truths are taken to the grave.
In those cases, we are left only with fragments and possibilities. Anything we write becomes interpretation rather than certainty.
At some point, we must accept that not every story can be completed.
The Question That Remains
Proceed, then, with caution.
Because we always return to the same question:
Whose truth is it anyway?
And perhaps the hardest answer is this; sometimes it is not ours to tell.
Every family has secrets, from the innocent to the deeply painful. And sometimes, the most responsible choice is to let them remain where they are.
But ultimately, the decision rests with you……..
This post is part of an ongoing reflection on family history, memory, and ethical responsibility in genealogy.
I spend a lot of time researching and sharing these family connections, so if this post helped you uncover part of your family story, you can support my ongoing research here:
If you’d like to follow more of my research and stories, you can explore more here:
A brilliant bit of advice, Paul. Everyone setting out to tell a “juicy” family story should pause first to read this post. You're doing a public service here.
I was actually thinking about this recently when someone said, “Oh, I always love a juicy story from family history.” It made me stop and think more deeply about the trigger for those rabbit-hole dives. Are we just out to get the “dirt”?
I hope not, but it is certainly true that, as younger generations, we are often pursuing an "itch" to understand what it was about our elders, ancestors, or generations past that led them to behave in ways that seem irrational today. In my own experience, decisions that seem relatively ordinary today (divorce, for example) can be at the root of odd behaviors in our ancestors. Contextualizing these decisions by the mores of the time can be very helpful in understanding those behaviors.
Really insightful, Paul. It’s so important to consider the societal norms of the time for context, whether that was views on children born outside marriage, divorce, sexuality, disability, or mental health. Many of these experiences are now recognised within protected characteristics, yet prejudice and judgement still exist. In many ways, people continue to keep secrets, just as our ancestors did.